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night wars

night wars

I’ve been having the strangest dreams lately.

As long as I can remember, I’ve always had deep, dark, war-like dreams. In my dreams, I fight, I kill, I flee and I hide. I often need to prove my innocence to someone who wants to end my life, or I need to prove my right to someone who doesn’t believe in me. Other recurring themes are water, darkness, cold, night, traveling, water, islands, flying and… dinosaurs.

98% of my dreams can be categorized under one or more of these themes.

Almost never I have a happy dream. Actually, I can’t remember I ever even had one.


Two weeks ago, I had one of my worst nightmares ever.

This is what I wrote down immediately after waking up:

“I was traveling in Australia, but someone there hated me and wanted me executed by court. It became a legal case and the day on which my execution would be decided, I tried to make sense why but couldn’t understand what was going on. Felt alone, even though some people supported me; they couldn’t help. Don’t remember what case outcome was, but I think I couldn’t be executed by government so a war arose, with people getting knives as weapons. Everyone had a particular knife and all had to be killed until only people of one group were left. “My” group eventually won but I’ve seen horrible things tonight. People wouldn’t die, so we had to cut them really deep, slit their throats, tear them to pieces. Many of them were people I know or acquaintances I have absolutely no hard feelings for in real life. I woke up in complete distress, horrified by my own imagination and the lifelikeness of the things I saw.”

And last week I had another symbolic dream:

“The first part of my dream completely covered two pregnancies and the growing up of my two children. (Which I don't have in real life.) One is a boy with brown hair, about eight years old, the other is a girl with blond hair, about five years old. In a second part, we are running. We just manage to get on a wall-less train just in time, but after a couple hundred metres, the train stops before flashing lights. Everyone is told to get off and wait in line for an obligatory national experiment. My boyfriend and our two children are in another train compartment so we lose each other out of sight. Eventually I find out that our boy had to go first, and was found unsuitable. He is then brainwashed and divided into the ‘unfit’ group. I go next and the experiment goes as follows: I am strapped to a big disk and obliged to watch a flashing hexagram in the distance. People start tripping and based on the quality of their trip, they are divided into the ‘fit’ or ‘unfit’ group. My boyfriend, our girl and I are divided into the ‘fit’ group, our boy into the ‘unfit’ group.  As he’s being brainwashed, he doesn’t remember who he is, who we are or what the world means. We try everything we can to get him back to us and finally, we end up living as outlaws on the countryside. I feel like tonight, I have lived an entire other life in just one night.”

These are just two examples of many similar dreams I have.

You can see the recurring themes: war, corruption, competition, opposition, killing, danger, fighting, fleeing, hiding and a general sense of not belonging to the bigger group.

My dreams are so symbolic, obscure and theme-specific, I wonder what my unconscious is trying to tell me. One day I even started thinking about the possibility of a haunting past life, that maybe one of my ancestors suffered so deeply in war that I inherited their feelings of chronic anxiety and stress.

Because it doesn’t only happen in my dreams. Even though in real life I try to step out of negativity consciously through self-education, meditation and self-care, this inherent anxiety and feelings of not belonging are always ‘in me’. While I do many efforts to consciously step out of it, trying not to be overwhelmed, this dark root will always be a part of me.

Anyway, I just hope that one day, my skin will heal more so that the quality of my night’s rest will improve. ‘cause sleep is key — sleep is the key to living a happy and healthy life.

Wish you all peaceful sleep,

see you next week x

PS. I'm pretty interested to hear about your dreams: what are recurring themes, what do you make of it? Do you feel like you learn about your unconscious in your dreams? Tell me about it by posting in the comment section below!
vegan chai latte w/ sweet fudge

vegan chai latte w/ sweet fudge

sweet potato salad w/ green spinach cream

sweet potato salad w/ green spinach cream